“Nicole, don’t freak out, don’t freak out….” this went over and over in my head while the doctor looked so diligently for any signs of life in our unborn child. My seven year old, excited about seeing his sibling, and very used to ultrasounds, pointed out, “Mommy, there’s no heartbeat.” The OB looked at me, grabbed my hand and mouthed, “I’m so sorry.”
We lost our 6th child, and 3rd son, in January 2017. He was stillborn at 16 weeks gestation with no other complications noted before the visit where we found that he had no heartbeat.
I went into the office for a routine examination, with my five other children surrounding me in the ultrasound room, and my husband away training his service dog in another state. I left with a confirmatory ultrasound, and feeling like I was walking in the weirdest dream I had ever been in. I was a mother of 5 living children, this wasn’t supposed to happen to me, but it did.
What nobody tells you about losing a child
Somebody has been where you are. Many are desperate to give you hope in a time where they may have felt none. I am fortunate to have met these people since the death, and birth of my son.
My OB shared her loss story with me when she confirmed that our child had indeed passed on to heaven, after my second ultrasound of that day. She cried with me in the delivery room when I told her the miracle I know God performed for me in starting my labor before the day I was set for induction.
What are you testifying of?
The most painful circumstances of our lives are where people see our true faith. By word and action, we give testament to where our hearts are.
What are you testifying of? Acceptance, love, hope, mercy, grace?
You can show all of these things, even in the dark times. The gospel of Jesus is revealed through our lives. That we can believe that God is merciful even to death and that anything that can be a blessing if we choose to see it that way.
I have purposely shared my thoughts regarding this time in our lives on my social media, and taken every opportunity that presents itself to share our son’s life story face-to-face. I have shown the pictures I have of our son with those who cared to see them. I am not ashamed of his story, or my part in it. I know that he was meant to be and that God loves him and me more than his own life.
I know that you may not be ready yet to hear this, but I want to let you know that you will move on.
It doesn’t diminish your love for your child to live. Don’t camp in the land of grief.
Go ahead, cry, yell, scream. God can handle any emotion that you feel, and he will still love you, but please find your blessing in all of this and celebrate the life your child had.
God doesn’t waste life; your child was here for a purpose. He, or she, was fashioned with all the intricacy and care of any other that has ever been created, by a creator that died to know him intimately and personally for all eternity. Eternity just began very quickly by comparison.
Dear Friends and Family…
This weekend is Mother’s Day. She may not feel like celebrating anything, but if she does do it, and go for the gold!
Being a mother is far more than giving birth, taking that child home, or even carrying a child in your body. It is a choice to love someone that God placed in your life with abandon. When they arrive and when they leave is not important in regards this title.
Honor her for the mother she is right now, hurting and healing, but a mother.
Thank you so much for stopping by!